Zack Snyder’s Awful “Army Of The Dead”: An Existential Movie Review

RND/ To consider the silent, angry sound of humanity coming to it’s collective extra senses, far beyond the dead movie screen and its piles of rubbish:

Bob’s Quick Akira-Capsule Movie Review: “Army Of The Dead is peak Zack Snyder RAFA (rotting ass fetus abortion.)  Do not step in it.”
– Robert What

Chrrrist what a dehydrated lump of partially fossilized tiger shit. Talk about a near total lack of effort in entirely the wrong cinematic direction. Of dialing it in while cynically ticking off all the wrong Zombie Bingo boxes. Army Of The Dead has to be a contender for worst movie of 2021 – and probably the worst zombie movie ever made. In many ways, it’s a true watershed moment for movie watchers, as it’s unique and extreme degree of true fucking awfulness makes them question if they should ever waste their time with another movie ever again. You don’t just mean with another Zack Snyder movie, or with another zombie movie. I mean this movie and how its awfulness and stupidity disrespects its audience draws all movies into question.

Like, how many more movies watching moments does one person have in them, before they start to realize they were being fucked over all along? Their precious life-time utterly wasted and their intellects blatantly, willingly insulted. “Shut up and keep watching” just doesn’t make the cut anymore.

It seems that even pointing out the truck-sized holes or weaknesses in Army Of The Dead – thinner than burger diarrhea stained tracing paper – is somehow to fall prey to its malignant, cosmic scale uselessness; to fall into its trap of it wanting you to hate it, because it’s so utterly starved of attention. It’s such utterly lame dogshit, to spend any time whatsoever critiquing it generally, or indeed any elements within it’s hollow shell somehow feels like giving it too much undeserved credit. This movie simply didn’t need to exist.

Army Of The Dead deserves not one goddam spec of desert dust off the end of your army surplus boot; to have deadpan low-key horror-survived watching the fucking thing in the first place is already too much of an insult on the mere existence of your very mortal soul.

You initially wanted so bad to point out each one of it’s dirty, shit-stained laundry list of laughable problems, both specific, ideological, innate, and philosophical – but feel you’ve already given more than enough time and energy to watching the bastard thing. Shit, nobody even has to let it die unloved under a nuclear sun – it was born undead. A thankless, rotting fetus of a movie pulled painfully slowly of of Snyder’s bloated, pop-froth asshole, hopefully soon to be mourned by.. absolutely nobody. Zack Snyder can go quietly fuck his Ayn ‘centipedes up my desiccated duff’ Rand bible for pinching off “Army Of The Dead.” (At the very least, casually nut-kick the morons who crayon-scribbled its screenplay.)

It ‘stars’ a cast of instantly forgettable and unlovable random dipshits, armed with nothing but sleeveless t-shirts and tiny titties, not nearly enough fucking radios, rapidly vanishing common sense, absolutely zero style, no real motivation, which shamelessly ripped off Aliens.. See? the bastard thing is already making you hate it again. You’re getting angry about having your fucking ultra-limited essential life force wasted – when you should already be moving on down the line to literally anything else. (We only ever watch movies to punch the time clock before death – or life?)

Las Vegas was always an ironic dead asshole of a nonplace – as perhaps was the cultural practice of sitting in front of a fucking screen watching inherently dumb images play across its lifeless surface. Images which only appeared to move – which only ever appeared to mean anything actually worthy of the word Meaning. Suckers!

Entertrainment kills the mind and needs to be safely nuked from existential orbit. Lay off all movies and movie watching for a good long while. See how you do with a little fucking cold, clear reality for a change. (It’s been a while, right?) Thankfully however, “Army Of The Dead” has shambled along, a stinking zombie turd on balsawood legs, and reminded us of what we not-so-secretly suspected all along (but just never quite had the fucking courage to admit): that slumping alone in one’s bullshit uncomfortable gaming chair till 3AM every goddamn bleary eyed morning watching utter dogshit unnecessary movies is making you all cold and undead inside. A blind consumerist corpse. Disgust and disappointment made manifest in the dim face of a lonely soul, looking up at a shining rectangle of light that doesn’t love them – but constantly feeds them useless, small potatoes dreams. Except everything is set up exactly how we like it. Pathetic, really – just like Army Of The Dead.

As soon as the ‘ugly-ass titles with the violently inconsistent and-or undecided tone’ and shitty song came up, you should have instantly switched it off and cancelled that Netflix subscription. Don’t bother mentioning this bollocks flick ever again.. *sigh* How the hell did we even make it ‘this far’ – such as (the sad state) it is. Such as we are – in all our naked human movie-making stupidity. Double tap its mildew ridden forehead and go read a fucking book. Punt that empty, rotting skull into an abandoned Vegas vault and go hug someone real. Please. Avoid the mile-high stink of this mooovie / ‘experience’ at all existential costs.

// how to play big science

2 thoughts on “Zack Snyder’s Awful “Army Of The Dead”: An Existential Movie Review

  1. The fact some folks are lauding this onscreen abortion is decent is the dumbest thing to happen to humanity since Trump was in office.

  2. Yo Mook, thanks for the reply! It’s not really that the movie’s just dumb – most of the movies I’ve ever really enjoyed are hardly intellectual heavyweights. I just wanted to make the point that Army Of The Dead is just so.. fucking weak*, anyone with a partially functioning neural net simply has to question movies per-se; the very (passive) act of watching.

    *Weak, like Henry Rollins would have morally and philosophically castigated someone for – and made them do another twenty pressups.

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