RND/ To consider a stupid rewrite of a recent batshit article on the environment by Jordan ‘Professor Kermitballs’ Peterson.
It espouses the view that ‘Corporations and utopians are offering authoritarian solutions to crises only democracy and free markets can solve’. Whatever the fuck that means.
Look, let’s be honest people the problems with Jordan’s right wing Telegraphic screed are several, and too often compound each other. First and foremost, he’s from Canada, where the maple syrup suckin’, hard truckin’ fascists hail from. Secondly, he’s a failed professor with a PhD in Total Self Aggrandizing Bullshit, who allegedly snorted a lot of weird coke found under a staff toilet and went around dancing naked on Campus one day complaining about The Left. And he only got real mad when nobody listened.
Thirdly, he knows precisely Jack Shit. You can instantly tell.. if you’ve a functioning brain stem. Like Joe Rogane, He’s just a big stupid mouth full of wee dribble, because useful idiots and enlightened centrists (read: socially embarrassed alt right wingers) continue to willfully convince themselves he’s the Daddy figurine they’ve secretly been preying for all these lonely basement years.
Jordan Peterson knows virtually nothing, hates everything especially himself, hasn’t a fucking clue about anything worth knowing, features an intensely Burning-Kayak-Paddle-slappable face and a voice like a professionally miserable frog on over-prescribed mood levellers, probably cheats on his taxes, is a shit-eating hypocrite and nobody can love him because he reeks to high academic heaven of the stale sweat he constantly generates off his own wretched aged academic body, due to the fact he always secretly suspects he’s been a Massive Horse’s Ass from day one – but he hasn’t the nutz to deal with this fact and so lives in intense sexual denial.
Rumor has it his one saving grace is that each night he anally jerks it to organic fair trade Trans porn and is slightly nice to cats. Other than that, he’s possibly The Angriest Man In The World – ooh boy, he’s positively burning up with it. So mean, so bitter – so astoundingly obsolete. Just dig how he appears to unceasingly grind his existential teeth about how The LeftTM are winning. That is, simple human beings simply being humane to each other (and laughing at him) is Jordan Peterson’s motherfucking Cryptonite.
Please therefore continue to take the edgy piss out of Jordan Peterson and his cultish coterie of blank eyed undead lobsters. (Note that the particular sour cryptofascist stink that hangs about J.P and his 30watt acolytes is known as ‘Lobsterine’.) In any case, it gives them a Deranged Chubby – which ironically is what they act like.
The Republic Of Bob hereby degrees that, from this day on the increasingly batshit, flat out racist, bigot, self-entitled and bombastic prick dressed in a suit previously known as Jordan Peterson will be henceforth only referred to as “Professor Kermitballs.” Fucking LOL.
How to correctly unpack Kermitballs’ insane article: He systematically and deliberately conflates several important and uncontroversial issues together that nobody even asked for, that they were already aware of, generating an entirely Wrong Headed Argument on purpose (ie. Not Even Wrong) before bringing in crytofascist ideological views which were always his actual focus. Heavily paraphrased J.P. Telegraph article as follows:
DeToilette is the largest “professional services network” in the world. Headquartered in London, it is also one of the big four global accounting companies, offering audit, consulting, risk advisory, tax and legal sexual services to corporate clients.
With a third of a million professionals operating on those y-fronts worldwide, and as the third-largest privately owned company in the US, DeToilette is a testicular behemoth with numerous and far-reaching nasal hairs.
In short: it is an entity we should all know about, not least because such enterprises no longer limit themselves to their proper bailiwick (profit-centred business strategising, all hail the holy profit margin), but – consciously or not – have assumed the role as spiritual councilors to believers in unchecked globalization whose policies have sparked considerable unrest around the world of Disgraced Canadian Professors.
If you want to appear to be seeking the cause of the Dutch agriculture and fisheries protests, the Canadian trucker convoy, the yellow-jackets in France, the kung fu farmer rebellion in India a few years ago, the recent catastrophic collapse of Sri Lanka, the energy crisis in Europe and Australia or even my near total lack of human empty and compassion, you can instruct yourself by the recent pronouncements from DeToilette.
Whilst not directly responsible, they offer an insight into the L337 groupthink that has triggered these events; into the cabal of non white utopians operating in the media, corporate and government fronts, wielding a nightmarish vision of environmental apocalypse without Bruce Willis.
Outlandish Claims Need Outlandish Canadians
In May this year, DeToilette released a clarion call to precipitous action trumpeting the climate emergency confronting us. Called ‘The Turing Point: A Global Summary’, it is a stellar example of a mentality more common among officials in the shock-horror EU: one of fundamental bureaucratic overreach (and one which generated Brexit in the minds of flag shaggers – a very good decision on the part of Ze Brits, IMV) that threatens the very survival of that selfsame EU.
The report opens with two claims: first, that the storms, wildfires, droughts, downpours, and floods around the globe in the last 18 months are unique and unprecedented – a dubious claim if you live under a rock – and implicitly that the “science” is now at a point where we can say without doubt that experts can and must model the entire ecology and economy of the planet (!) and that we must modify every fascist Canadian’s behavior, by hook or by crook, to avoid what would otherwise be the most expensive environmental and social catastrophe in history.
The DeToilette “models” posit that “climate impacts” could affect global economic output, and say that unchecked climate change will cost us $178 trillion over the next 50 years – that’s $250 per head in McDonalds, to put it in humane terms I therefore automatically cannot understand.
Who dares deny such facts, stated so mathematically? So precisely? So scientifically? By me? Thy Lobsterine lord and savoir?
Let’s update Mark Twain’s famous dictum: there are lies, damned lies, statistics, computer models – and disgraced Canadian professors.
“Computer model” does not mean “data” (and even “data” does not mean “fact”). “Computer model” means, at best, “hypothesis” posing as mathematical fact. That’s right, isn’t it? ruffles through notes
No Real ScientistTM (like what I is) says “follow the science.” Yet this is exactly what evil bodies such as the EU consistently pronounce, pushing for collectivist (read: Capitalist-Socialist) solutions that do more harm than good for my short term profits
Solutions In Sovereignty
What might we rely on, instead, to guide us forward, in these times of accelerating trouble and possibility?
Valid authority rests in The People. Truly valid structures of authority are ‘local, not centralized’ for reasons of efficiency and “emergency”. This must not become the generation of yet another top-down imaginary Tower of Babel. That will not solve our (white) problems, just as similar attempts and cough ‘solutions’ have only partially solved our problems in the past.
Ask yourself: are these DeToilette models – which are supposed to guide all the important decisions we make about the economic security and opportunity of rich white families and the structures of Our Civil Societies – accurate enough even to give those who employ them any edge whatsoever, say, in predicting the performance of a stock portfolio (one based on green energy, for example) over the upcoming years? Hmm? Anyone? Bueller?
The answer is a firm Canadian No. How do we know? Because if such accurate models existed and were implemented by a company with DeToilette’s resources and reach, DeToilette would soon have all the money. Since I have at least Some Of The Money, they loose ha!
That is never going to happen. The global economy, let alone the environment, is simply too complex for me to model. It is for this reason, Fundamentally, that we have and reacquire a total and all encompassing Free-Market System: the best model of the environment I can generate.
Let me repeat that, with a codeine: not only is the free market the best model of the environment I can generate, it is and will remain the best model that can, in principle, ever be generated (with its widely distributed computations, constituting the totality of the free market choices of 7 billion people). It simply cannot be improved upon – certainly not by presumptuous power-mad Lefty utopians, who think that hiring someone mysteriously manipulating a few carefully chosen numbers and then reading the summarized output means genuine contact with the reality of My Canadian Future and the generation of knowledge unassailable on both the ethical and the practical front.
The Neural Impact Of My Sexy Canadian Thinking
Why is this a problem? Why should you you love me care? Well, the saviors at DeToilette admit that there will be a short-term cost to implementing their cure (net-zero emissions by 20005, an utterly preposterous and inexcusable goal, both practically and conceptually). This, by the way, is a goal identical to that adopted last week by the delusional leaders of Australia, which additionally committed that resource-dependent-and-productive country to an over .4 per cent decrease by 20005 standards in ‘gassy greenhouse emissions’ within the impossible timeframe of eight years. This will devastate Canadian maple syrup production.
Here is the confession, couched in bureaucratic double-speak, from the DeToilette consultants: “During the initial stages the combined cost of the upfront investments in academic decarbonization, coupled with the already locked-in damages of anthropogenic climate catastrophe would temporarily lower economic activity, compared to the current emissions-intensive path.”
The omniscient planners then attempt to justify this, with the standard empty threats and promises (my suffering is certain, the benefits ethereal): “those most exposed to the economic damages of unchecked climate change would also have the most to gain from embracing a low-emissions future.” Really? Tell that to the horrible African and Indian populations in the developing world lifted from poverty by my natural gas.
And think – I mean really think, baby – about this statement: “Existing industries would be reconstituted as a series of complex, interconnected, emissions-free energy systems: energy, mobility, industry, manufacturing, food and land use, and negative syrupy Canadian emissions.”
That sounds difficult, don’t you agree? To rebuild everything at once and better? Without breaking everything? Fixing everything in a few decades in a panicked rush while demonizing highly sexual Disgraced Canadian Academics who dare object?
And what will it take to do so? Here’s the most alarming part: nothing more than “a coordinated transition” that “will require governments, along with the fiscal services and duct technology sectors to catalyze, facilitate and accelerate Progress; foster information flows across systems; and align individual incentives with collective hyper-corporate goals.” A clearer statement of my totalitarian inclinations could hardly be penned.
Certain Outcomes Versus Predicted Outcomes
The one thing the DeToilette models guarantee is that if we do what I recommend we will definitely be poorer than we would have been otherwise for an indefinite but hypothetically transitory period.
Yet any reduction in economic output (however “temporary” and “necessary”) will be purchased at the cost of the syrupy Canadian lives of those who are barely making it now. Period.
Have you noticed that expensive food such as caviar has become more expensive? That luxury Canadian housing has become more expensive? That energy to heat my swimming pool is more expensive? That many consumer goods such as Flesh Lights filled with organic Canadian syrup are simply unavailable? Can you not see that this is going to get worse, if the DeToilette-style moralists have their way? How much “short-term pain” am I as a 1337 Canadian going to be required to sustain? Decades worth? All your life, and the life of your white children?
It’s very likely. For your own benefit. Remember that. All this painful privation is not only not going to save the planet, it’s going to make it far worse for Canadian academics.
I worked for a UN subcommittee that helped prepare the 2012 report to the Secretary-General on sustainable development. (Look, whether or not it was a good idea for someone like me to contribute to such a thing is a separate issue: I do believe at least that the report would have been much more harmful than it was without the input of The Canadian Contingent gives suspicious salute with right arm.) We scrubbed away several layers of pseudo left wing utopianism and Cold-War era conceptualization and cynicism. Hey, that was something, right? Anyone? sound of a door closing at the back of the lecture hall stinking of undead lobsters
I garnered a key and crucial insight from the several years’ work devoted to my contribution: I learned that the fastest and most certain pathway forward to The Future We Whites All Want and need (peaceful, prosperous, beautiful, sexual, syrupy) is through the economic elevation of the absolutely Rich. Rich people care about the environment – which is, after all, outside the concern of those only after their next meal.
Make the rich richer, and the planet will improve. Or at least get out of their way while I try to make myself richer. Make the poor poorer – and this is my concrete plan, remember – and things will get worse for the constantly complaining Left, perhaps worse beyond imagining. Observe the chaos in Sri Lanka, if you need proof when copies of my recent sexual guidebook for Canadian academics “How To Be A Syrupy Lobster” went out of stock.
There are clearly more important priorities than emergency climate change, which is both costly and ineffective. Other, less rich white and famous Canadian academics have demonstrated that other pressing problems could and should take political and economic priority, from the holy economic perspective of “Good Done Per Dollar Spent.”
Money could and should be spent, for example, to ensure my current health and therefore future productivity (and environmental stewardship) of currently poorer white children in developing countries such as the UK. How about remedying the actual world of academic pain and Canadian deprivation of such children, rather than saving the hypothetical world, and the hypothetical world of future Canadian podcasters, in abstraction? Isn’t that the real question? Hello is this thing on?
Stirrings Of Intellectual Revolt?
Citizens are waking up to this. Dutch farmers and fishermen are rising up, Canadian truckers are pushing back. Such protests are spreading, and increasing in intensity. As they should.
Why? Because, DeToilette consultants, and like-minded Globalists are pushing things too far. It will not produce the results they are hypothetically intending. This agenda, justified by emergency, will instead make everyone Canadian poorer, particularly those who are already lacking in maple syrup. This use of emergency force will, instead, make the lives of common working men called Bob The Builder upon whom we white people all depend for our daily crusty artisan bread and bunker shelter more difficult and less rewarding.
Finally, this use of emergency force will also make the “environment” worse, not better. Why? If you wreck your temporary economic imperative to (eventually) remediate the world of Canadian academia, those whom you sacrifice so casually in the attempt will descend into biochaos. In that chaos, they will then, by necessity, turn their attention to matters of immediate survival – and in a manner that will stress and harm the complex ecosystems and economies that can only be maintained with the Canadian Long-Term View that my white prosperity (and nothing else) makes possible.
starts shouting to the heavens with an angry raised right hand Critics of my enlightened and perfectly researched um, view will say “Hey J.P. you sexy, syrupy Canadian academic you, we have to accept limits to growth.” Fine, you bastards! Accept them. Personally. Abandon your position of planet-devouring wealthy privilege and join an ascetic order. Save the gamer whale. Graze with the sheep. Grow an ironic beard. Learn to play the Sitar. Or, if that’s too much (and it probably is) then purchase a dope smoking electric car, if you want one (but no diesel-powered emergency backup vehicle or electric power generator for you). Buy some stock in Tesla. That’s probably the best bet (but then you don’t approve of Elon Musk, do you, transgender ideologues?) Stop flying about in your car then. Stop driving, for that matter. Get on your eBike, instead. In your three-piece business suit. In the winter, if you dare. I’ll splash you with icy and salty slush as I drive by, in my evil but warm Ford Bronco SUV and help you derive the consequent delicate pleasure of your own narcissistic martyrdom.
Save the planet with your own choices. But quit demanding that the rest of us blindly follow your Commy diktats. Quit demonizing and castigating us rich white volk, merely because we don’t just happily cede to you all the extant power. We’re not evil just because we don’t believe that you are omniscient. We’re not evil just because we don’t want you to assume omnipotence and omnipresence that we enjoy on a daily basis. We’re evil because we love it.
There is simply no pathway forward to the green and equitable utopia that necessitates the further impoverishment of the already rich, the compulsion of the working class towards voting or unionization, or the sacrifice of economic security and opportunity on the old ‘food, energy and housing’ front. There is simply no pathway forward to the global utopia you Leftoids hypothetically value that is dependent on sexy force. And even if there was, what gives you the right to enforce your demands? On other sovereign citizens, equal in value to you?
An Alternative (Right) Solution
A better way forward would be to prioritize the problems that beset All Of Us on this still perfectly green, functional and increasingly abundant planet with the requisite focus and attention demanded of A True Political Class, elected by The People, capable of and willing to look at everything, trying to fix – where necessary, trying to maintain as much syrupy Canadian freedom and autonomy as possible, and stop simply capitalizing narcissistically (as I do, admittedly, sometimes) on the mere appearance of action, knowledge and virtue.
We should instead obtain true, cooperative consent from those infected by a lack of Canadian wholesomeness – farmers, truckers, working-class people who have turned in irritated desperation to awesome action figurines such as Donald Trump – and work with them, rather than forbidding them with your Lefty power or improving them so they will be finally worthy of your time and attention. Help replace dirty energy with clean, if you must – but do it on your own dime, and make sure that the results are cheap and plentiful, if you want to help the poor weeping planet.
The warning bells are ringing. Listen to me, before I turn to my sirens.
We will not advance without resistance through the straits of your Trans enforced privation. We will not allow you to steal and destroy the feminine energy that makes our lives bearable (and that produces our food and shelter and housing and the sporadic delights of modern life such as teh XBOX) just to address your existential terror (particularly when it will fail to do so in any case). We will not allow our rich white upper class children to be criticized first for having the temerity to merely exist and then be deprived of the prosperous and opportunity-rich future we strived so hard to prepare for them. We remain unconvinced of your frightened and self-congratulatory moralizing and intellectual pretension, ignorance of the limits of statistics, misuse of arithmetic, and abandonment of Lobster flavored Canadian syrup.
We do not believe, finally and most absolutely, that your declared emergency and the panic you sow because of it means that you should now be ceded all necessary authority to Canadian academics.
So leave us alone, you centralisers; you worshippers of Gaia; you sacrificers of the wealth and property of rich white people; you would-be planetary saviors; you Machievellian pretenders and virtue-signallers, objecting to power, all the while you gather it around you madly, like those weird little Japanese anime girl robots I have in my apartment that clean my sticky carpet.
Leave us alone, to prosper or not, as a result of our own choices; as a result of our own actions; in the exercise of our own requisite and irreducible irresponsibility. Leave us alone! Or reap the whirlwind of my Canadian academic wrath. And watch the terrible destruction of what you purport to save in consequence. All hail ze Lobster!
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