RND/ to consider a disturbing Google transcript of a Youtube vlog post by author Megan Boyle.
Megan Boyle is OK – a good person, and one should wish her only the best – to live long and prosper.
When you were a child you were a treated kind but you were never brought up right
You were always spoiled with a thousand toys but still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And your father’s still perfecting ways of making sealing wax
– The Rolling Stones, 19th Nervous Breakdown
To clearly note that, mental illness affects everybody (particularly on this planet), and that men too often entirely dismiss the troubles of others (itself arguably a form of acute illness) – and: to critique Megan’s words as symbolically expressing The Inherent Insanity Of White Privilege; almost as if, once all physical creature comforts have been met (mostly due to the inherent, violent socio-historical advantages of certain levels of melatonin in one’s epidermis), one willingly joins the Self Help Industrial Complex, easily adopting Designer Neurosis As A Lifestyle Choice, simply because one can (possibly to fill up the inherent Psychic Void Of Whiteness?):
Lena Dunham was once truly worried about shoelaces, dogs, and magazines on ‘public shelving’? Fuck my life. You must have some serious spare time on your hands, girl. Who doesn’t wish they had those kind of ‘problems’?
In which one is reminded of dear Ann in Sex, Lies and Videotape (Sonderberg, 1989) who sits on a comfy couch in a nice warm house in a nice gated upper middle class neighbourhood, talking out of her sweet ass to her well groomed therapist about Her Recent Psychological Troubles With Garbage. Similarly, notice Megan’s patently bizarre ideas regarding the suffering of a small town that’s been flooded; according to her, while it clearly ‘sucks’ that the townsfolk suffered, it’s because ‘everything has a meaning’, or something. Like eggplants, perhaps – or magnets. What a cosmic mystery – now solved! (You know your in trouble when bullshit weasel words like ‘soul’ start getting passed around.)
Did you ever wonder what your purpose in life is? This book is about finding your soul’s purpose or destiny. Every soul has its path, but sometimes that path is not clear. The acorn theory is an example of each soul beginning with an imprint
– Dr. Kengard, Lost In Translation (Sofia Coppola, 2003)
Note however how only a few have the opportunity of ‘flexing a new part of their worldview’ – while others only ever get such worldviews thrust upon. Trying them out, like one tries out a new costume, or an experimental tweet to a willing audience of greasy voyeurs. Psychological roleplay for a global audience. Some poor homeless guy on the street, mumbling to himself? Well he’s simply A Random Nutjob, right? But for those with cultural clout and a high tech camera pointed at them, it’s just part of their quirky, interestingly multi-layered Character – their ability to “construct one’s own life” as Lena Dunham puts it. Nice work if you can afford it – and certainly fiscally advantageous for the armies of suited assholes who slowly nod with feigned understanding while pretending to listen (with a bad German accent: “-Your mozzer?”)
Who walks around thinking like that? Almost like the last thing they’d ever actually want to do is give up such endless minor inner pseudo-troubles; stunningly inconsequential thoughts, literal ‘Whitenoise’ forever churning in an empty skull. Loose, amazingly trivial talk about fully ‘integrating’ recent pseudo-philosophical insights and ‘old ancient shit.’ Burn some more incense – take another hot bubble bath with scented candles while sipping another organic kale and spiced pumpkin health drink laced with the therapeutic tears of some hard working indigenous peoples from.. you get the idea. Ancient or not Megan, it’s still just smells a little too much like First World White People Problems.
—
What I Know And Don’t Know Today
By Megan Boyle
1. Good afternoon it’s March 17th 2019 a
Very different day for Megan boiled in
March 17 2013
Well look at the day we had all the
Stuff that the world has for you Megan
How’s it for everybody I mean it doesn’t
Have it for
Anything I don’t know yeah
It’s not about what the world has for
You it’s what you can give back to the
World I really
Shouldn’t say stuff like that though
Before it’s fully like integrated into
Me but kind of saying it out loud is how
It gets integrated to me
2. I wouldn’t have been talking like this
Six years ago today I can’t even tell
You what I’m just doing I mean I can’t
Not cuz I don’t care for you but because
I care for my life enough to
I don’t know this is like a silly thing
It’s doing now I’m making a video a
Memorial or something video
I didn’t know an anniversary in
Anniversary video I really should be
Driving though and concentrating on
Driving but I haven’t posted to YouTube
In a while and maybe more I think more
Will come later but this is just a
Little quick thing a little quick hello
More to myself passing through time or
Whatever then anything and like people
Who see themselves I guess reflected in
Me passing through time and what a
Wonderful thing great thing it is that
We humans get to do we get to pass
Through time it’s like a game it’s like
A spaceship space game just like I don’t
Know
3. Your body is a little spaceship
Passed into time
The spiritual being having a human
Experience
That’s what sticking to you right now
Well the human experience is speaking to
You right now we’re about to go into
This is where I first worked my first
Job II job was it a it’s Ellicott City
My window say he’s broke beautiful March
Sky crazy mid March sky
The chef is on the Left coming up there
By that place called the Phoenix that I
Don’t know if you saw or not I’m just
Feeling like this is wonderful
And nice to be driving through here
These are two stories that have been
Flooded down one is okay that’s the
Coffee shop that I worked at I think I
Freaking passed by that in liveblog
I’m like yeah I did there’s a part where
I do that but okay great yeah how poetic
And strange that that coffee shop is now
Officially closed
4. This town is come upon
Some suffering Ted it’s been flooded
Twice really poor it’s it it sucks what
Happened to Ellicott City
I guess it needed to happen
That’s a new view of mine the things
That are bad that seem almost accidental
We’re this eggplant though that’s not
Accidental that was put there for a
Reason
All these shits for a reason if you
Think about it everything that’s
Happening like we all have like I don’t
Know I thought I used to think you know
It was like good to not have reasons for
Anything there’s no reason for anything
It’s just all random whatever what you
Think you have power if you think you
Have reasons well there’s reasons but we
Don’t have to like cling to them but
Anyway it’s the unfortunate event of the
Flood has made happened for some reason
Maybe we don’t know it yet I don’t know
I don’t know this is a little new I’m
Trying out a new part of my worldview
And flexing a little new part of my
Worldview here
5. Maybe it’s because like just life is
Always rebuilding I mean nature is
Always rebuilding itself it’s always
Getting destroyed and creating itself
Again and us people are always
Destroying things hopefully so we can
Create
New things I think destruction serves a
Higher purpose now or it’s just like in
Relation to creation like like I had to
Destroy I created this Live Blog of my
Life
6. I created this real big example of like
A false self that I could you know I
Clung to you dearly and I needed to let
This stuff go of myself I put it out
There I didn’t know this at the time but
I was putting it out there so I could
Let it go so I could let this part of me
Go and I my my mistake was in
Concretizing or materializing the thing
That must be let go is my life in body
As my embodied life my soul my
Psyche like all of this stuff I
Shouldn’t maybe serve these words around
It you know because they’re big words
They’re big important words and her
Words mean stuff we create the world
With our words
We do though that’s what our
Consciousness does uses words and
Language to build so like when I create
7. I don’t know I just had to like put all
This stuff out there this like terrible
Way of functioning that needed to go it
Needed to go I didn’t need to die I
Shouldn’t like probably I don’t know
It’s but it’s fine that I did I had to
Learn this way I had to learn this way
Okay I don’t even know if people
Watching us know that I tried to kill
Myself after live blog I’m gonna know
Happens for a reason the world the
Universe is is playing with us it’s just
Playing with us it’s just playing with
Us this is plane all of this all of this
It doesn’t have to be such a big serious
Deal it’s just playing or just playing
Just playing just playing
And that’s that’s great I think that’s
What people are here to do create and
Play this isn’t some new age shit this is
Some like old ancient shit ancient shit
[Music]
8. It’s cool it’s very serious ain’t shit
It’s both it’s both we’re a paradox life
Is a paradox we’re walking around and if
We start to think like oh I’m maybe not
A paradox cuz I think I’m right you know
I think I’m right like I’m maybe not in
Liveblog I was like cool you know I am
Everything I say I am this is everything
That is me there is no mystery about me
And mystery is wrong because mystery is
Elusive and mystery is misleading and
Mystery causes miss information
No it’s thinking that you can own
Mystery and stuff and thinking that you
Can figure it out and thinking that you
Can rationalize and materialize and
Concretize stuff that has no business
Being I mean it doesn’t need to be part
Of the human experience at least for me
It involves both knowing and not knowing
Why we’re here it’s not about supreme
Knowledge of like why I’m here what I am
You know it’s this like weird thing of
Like cuz I don’t know what brought me
Into life
9. Sure I was born by my parents
That’s like so weird and fascinating to
Me I was born if you don’t think that
That’s look like you were born whoever’s
Watching this you like came and there’s
Like a whole world like billions of
Years of existence came before you
You’re just a teeny part of this that’s
Not like okay you can look at that as
Like oh but that means I’m nothing I’m
So insignificant
Well yeah you’re insignificant in a
Sense but you’re part of something very
Strange very mysterious very like there
Nobody can explain why they were born we
Don’t know we didn’t choose this as far
As I know I didn’t choose to be born but
Like maybe I signed a paper or something
There’s some equivalent of that my
Immaterial self decided because I don’t
Know I do some like kooky believe
Sunlight
10. You know who knows who knows if it’s
True or not we’d make up stories about
Creation and to understand it but it’s
Just stories it’s just stories it’s not
The act of creation itself to create a
Story I mean it is but I don’t mean
Separate it’s not like supreme creation
We’re not like actually creating a
Universe when we create a book or when
We create a view of ourselves or create
A funny mythology about like past lives
Or something like just I don’t know
Let’s play with that let’s have a little
Grain of salt dance with that salt dance
I don’t know not not be so deadly
Serious about what we know and what we
Think we know we don’t know anything you
Guys if you’re a human body looking at
This and perceiving this and listening
To this you don’t know anything I don’t
Know anything I don’t know what I’m
Talking about
11. But something else knows there’s a
Profound intelligence working operating
In all life I think in all nature in all
Humans flowing through us this like
I don’t know what you want to call it
And if you want to pretend like it’s not
There that’s cool and that’s your thing
To do and your I think that’s like a
Part of it I think that’s part like
Resistance to it as part of it I don’t
Know if I’m even making sense I don’t
Even know it’s March 17 2019 and I don’t
Ever want to die again I don’t ever want
To I don’t know I’m you know if you feel
If you’re a person like me who’s really
Hated themselves really not respected
Themselves and other people on the
Planet and and the mystery of life stuff
Just I
12. I feel for you I feel for you I was
Gonna say I love you it’s love what I
Feel for you because I understand it and
It sucks and it doesn’t have to be this
Way we can kind of you have a choice
About
Whether you suffer or not I think always
We have a choice whether we suffer or
Not
13. Sometimes suffering like befalls us
And we have a choice of like how we’re
Gonna react to it sometimes you got to
React like I don’t know this is getting
It into a weird moral territory that I
Don’t mean to be taking it but basically
Just if you’re if you’re if you’re aware
Of yourself is somebody I’m mostly like
Talking just people who like hate
Themselves because I hated myself and I
Had to make myself like okay on the
Outside and create this book of me on
The outside even like I mean I’m some
Obsessed as my body I love that stuff
Didn’t really make it into the books I
Was embarrassed about it but I’m so like
I must look perfect I must be perfect I
Must present perfect I must be this like
Megan Boyle image I must have a certain
Way of relating myself
14. I must have a certain humor
I must only express these
Kinds of thoughts you didn’t know
Probably or maybe I don’t know people
See this about me or not but a lot of
That was going on like I was very
Controlling in my head very controlling
Of this fragile little human body that
Never even did anything wrong to begin
With us you never did anything wrong if
You’re watching this I mean you did I’ve
Done terrible things I’ve done horrible
Things I am NOT not my soul
My body or whatever I think the body and
The soul are kind of the same thing and
The spirit moves through them and I’m
Just sorry these terms are like
Offensive to you but maybe if they’re
Offensive to you I don’t know think
About what
It’s trying to tell you what to do so I
Think I know stuff see and that’s not
Helpful that’s never gonna be helpful oh
My god yeah
15. Yeah I don’t I don’t need to like see
Myself in writing or see like some image
Of myself that’s not terrible it’s not
Hateful in order to believe and know
That I’m not a terrible evil being who
Deserves to die and doesn’t deserve
I’m deserving to die is a funny
Sentiment but yeah it’s like very
Fall-like like I also think the concept
Of like forgiving yourself is false like
You don’t need to forgive yourself for
Anything you’ve done horrible things
Like go take care of that – the things I
I’m still starting just starting on all
The horrible things I need to correct
Not correct but just like
Get away some but amends are those gears
Are starting to turn from that it’s not
All about what I’ve done you know like
You’re forgiven you’re already forgiven
16. We’re all blameless little children
We’re all babies we’re all babies that
Just like to spend some time that was a
Very funny moment for the video to cut
Out because I was getting carried away
See I think that that means something is
Interacting with me the universe is
Interacting with that school it’s some
Fun to acknowledge that for me now and
Really because it’s something real it’s
The only real thing I think I’m real I’m
Real this is real
17. But the particularity ‘s of my life the
Little things it’s not the only reality
We got freaking clouds in the sky we got
Fucking billions of years we got these
People on the road they’ve all done
Stuff
18. I’ve all probably been in a similar
Place where I have been
You know in some way I think everybody
Experiences
These things are seeing shades shades of
These things
How should I wrap this up cuz
Seems like I should I’m going around the
Beltway something I used to do
In life
Around that time in my life just drive
Aimlessly and I’m kind of revisiting
That semi consciously just sort of
Happened
19. That’s another thing I don’t know
I don’t know I don’t know I want to just
Give people hope now that’s what I want
To do I don’t know and I know that it
Gets people hope at least it’s given me
A man so to hear to read stuff by people
Who’ve gone through similar things as me
Because I let has let me know that I’m
Not alone and you’re not alone you’re
Not alone you know
You’re not alone none of us are and ya
Got in a hokey sense
When you talk about
And preachy way that I might be doing
Feels earnest to me
But I’m often surprising myself these days
Like say things that seem and feel
Authentic and then I learned that some
False part of me is operating that’s
Just for me I don’t I don’t know I don’t
I used to just think I knew myself
Really really well and that like that
Was the most important thing about life
Is to know myself really well and as I
Got to know myself for this likes
Controlling that knowing and
Interpreting like just from a
We meet
20. Interpreting not knowing like I really
Shut out other perspectives and that’s
That’s where it gets that’s where you
Stop being a paradox that’s when you
Start being a little waited on one side
And I’ve lived a lot of my life under
The impression that I knew nothing but
In a very hopeless way in a very
One-sided way and I still kind of
They’re still kind of in that but I’m
Beginning to come out of it and I
Thought it might be nice to share that
With you because I I don’t I don’t need
To also be afraid of like that stuff I
Do seem to
Knowing or finding out or learned I
Don’t know I’m excited by a lot of the
Things I’m learning learning and playing
Learning playing and creating yeah let’s
Do that with life it’s a choice yeah
We still mess up I’m always gonna mess
Up I’m a human not better
And that will never be perfect
It’s like ingrained in me taught myself
A lot of unhealthy stuff a lot of
Unhealthy attitudes because they feel sick
21. Is it kind of knowing or like knowing
Feel safe feel safe to know at least
Something about the world something
About this crazy huge vest
Incomprehensible mystery that we all
Said I suddenly ended up in what does
That mean
To find some relief for that and there
Is relief or out there there’s lots and
Lots of relief out there
Oh I didn’t feel like relieved saying that
[Music]
22. I want to provide relief
Not just relief in relating to pain
That’s one kind of relief but I’m really
Interested for the next
Half for two-thirds of my life
Hopefully 2/3
We’re longer who knows
To do that
[Music]
23. Stop doing all you people out there
Scary you know you’re all scary to be
You’re all scary to me you’re not my
Friends you know
You’re scary but it’s like
I don’t like that and I don’t like that
That doesn’t feel even honest I I don’t know
Okay okay now I feel suddenly compelled
To give advice
If you remember if you felt like
Whenever you were whatever you felt like
In a kid that was right
Like a period if you felt enjoy is extended
An imagination as a kid if you thought
That the world was full of friends as a
Kid that’s right that’s right and it’s a
Kid you get hurt terribly babies cry so
Loud my friend told me this they cry so
Loud that because this is literally the
Worst they’ve ever felt in their lives
And when you’re a kid and you get hurt
That’s like literally the worst like we
Hang on to shit from childhood if you
Don’t and if you like move past that I
Don’t think we all like hang on dissent
From childhood not really shit
It’s like tools it’s
If you’re learning and it doesn’t have
To like demos you know it doesn’t have
To be our life story
These teens and these fears and these
Resentments that we build up when we are
So impressionable and so young that our
Poor little hearts
24. We break them open ourselves we break
Them ourselves by the ideas we create
About what it means to have been hurt
What it means to have gone Sears
No human should go through I mean we
Shouldn’t some things for me I think no
You know but no I mean and that’s my
Pride or something nothing
Maybe thinking I don’t deserve to have
Ever felt so so horribly betrayed
And you know it
Now I’m thankful for those experiences
It’s you know it’s not one or the other
It’s a lot yeah yeah all right
You’re Billa yeah yeah yeah so they’re
Not condemnation these pains
These traumas these like ways that we’ve
Messed up these mistakes we’ve made
They’re just part of a big kind of circle
25. It’s like going back to the pain from a
Different point now and going back to
The because we’re always gonna be
Accumulating memories and stuff
I think also like the childhood memories
And stuff where whenever in your life he
Started
26. You know because we all experience like
Some levels some kind of traumatic
Events I know that’s like it buzzword
Now whatever but trauma doesn’t make us
Who we are it will shape us it shapes us
And it’s but it’s here to shape us we’re
Here to get shaped I think and shape
Ourselves and get shapes it’s like I’ll
Stop saying dance but it’s the dance I
Don’t know what this other thing that I
Can’t really don’t have very good
Language for yet maybe there doesn’t
Need to be language for it or I don’t
Know it so I’m very interested by it and
So I will probably develop some language
For it but because it will have guided me to
Not because I’m developing language
Because I have supreme language power of
Everything I don’t know I don’t know
Yeah I’m going off on Watson
Lots of lots of tangents kind of here
Looping around but I watched the first
Video and it made sense to me so and I’m
Feeling really good saying this stuff
Out loud yeah
27. So but I guess that’s about all I have
To say for right now
Also funny I noticed like remember in
The beginning there’s like there was
Really sunny
Kind of like a little bit cloudy I just
Always I don’t know sometimes I’ll be
Aware of like the sunlight coming in or
Oh wow the day suddenly turns cloudy and
That will reflect stuff that’s going on
With me I don’t know it’s I give a
Little I think that’s something I think
That something
I don’t know I need to have faith and
Stuff I need to hope for stuff that’s
Not you know me making it up totally so
That’s just important for me to have
Not saying it needs to be free
Also stop worrying about if you’re gonna
Offend people Megan it’s fine to offend people
28. What do you do is being offended you
Think about it you let it in
I don’t know sometimes
Build up resentments about it
That thing offended me I don’t deserve
That I deserve to never be offended
I don’t ever want to do a subpoena pain
Of being offended or being traumatized I
Never want to deal with that I don’t
Deserve to ever feel like okay okay okay
I will say that the only experience the
Only human experience that I have known
That feels unnatural to me that feels
Wrong to me that feels like no another
Funny point for the video to have cut
Off I’ll make this quick the only
Experience that ever that feels
Unnatural to me is anger is anger is
Anger I don’t think that we’re supposed
To be angry and I don’t think we’re
Supposed to inflict suffering and pain
And trauma on others I do not think
That’s what we’re here for I think the
Anger is part it’s part of another
Feeling that of like driven as’ that
When it’s balanced it’s driven as’ but
When it’s unbalanced it becomes anger an
Anger has a life of its own it’s not
Your life it takes you over and anger
Starts with resenting
And resenting starts with fear fear the
Unknown for me this is what I search
29. So yeah yeah get mad
You know be mad like there’s stuff
There’s have huts but you know like
Fight for the stuff that matters that’s
Driven this but imposing your beliefs
Imposing your about that driven as’ like
I don’t mean to do that like with any of
What I’m saying now this is just me
Talking about me my experience like I’m
Not saying oh you must have my ideas I
Don’t care I don’t care you’re gonna do
The thumbs but some part of me I’m not
Gonna deny that I have like anger and
Pride in me that it does think what look
The sunshine you like
It’s like that that is part of me I have
Rage I have terrible rage I’ve reached
In horrible ways of people like unhuman
Despicable ways I have acted and that’s
Not it’s okay to defend peep
Humiliated people knowingly to have
Power because you feel like you don’t
Have power oh that’s like sick that’s
Fucking sick man I mean that’s like in
If you’re gonna like worry we’re animals
Right we’re human animals I’m
Comfortable as that I’m comfortable like
I you know evolved from
Whatever something that needed to fight
To be alive and I don’t think that we
Need to fight so hard for our views to
Be heard for our whatever it’s not it
Doesn’t but it starts to be like a sight
That’s pointed at an end of like worse
Like forcing another to be on your end
That means that you’re not that means
That you’re on one end you’re not in
Balance here and wanted
You’re one sided yep yep and that’s kind
Of them by a lot of them right now
Aren’t we in the world
Flotsam finger-pointing lots of brightness on
Yeah blah blah society bah-bah-bah
All right
30. Three hands that’s another three
Oh wait it’s 333 when I said that whoa
Okay all right all right we’re coming up on
Baltimore now I’m going home now gotta
Make some lunch and go about my day I
Wish you the best March 17th
I thanks for listening thanks for watching
Yeah bye and bye for now
—
Negativo 2 months ago
A LOLtube comment beneath the video is clearly worried about Megan:
Megan listen to me. You’re clearly unwell. Are you taking your meds? You need to get out of your head, stop this whole thinking and talking thing, drop literally all the people that somehow enforce this and start to get tired by your days. You need to get tired Megan or this is never gonna end. Or is gonna end very badly and literally everyone knows it. I know, I know, lots of love, people follow you, they all try to be supportive, whatever. It’s not what you need. You need some quiet in your fucking head.
Update Patch: Liveblog
Address that incredibly tragic portion of the video, in which Megan oh-so casually mentions she attempted to kill herself after her awful book “Liveblog” was published. Almost like it was nothing – just another facet of, “You know like, The Whole Integrated Experience, man.” Awful perhaps, because defining one’s entire existence as a vacuous Social Media Personality – as something that only exists forever Online, Realtime, for the single electro-corporate function of endlessly exposing the pathetic, tiny, blasted, malignantly useless details of one’s Nice White Life to people stupid enough to remotely give a flying batshit about just how many grams of Adderall and Red Bull you just mindlessly consumed in the car park outside your local Hipster Whole Foods store, itself seems perfectly insane – and utterly predictable. (Anyone who’s tried to sit through a single long reading session of Liveblog, will not only instantly understand how Megan’s suicide attempts were always on the cards, but will also have felt like topping themselves after the first 20 pages. Talk about weightless ‘Life Lite’.)
The publisher ‘reader recommendation’ blurb page of Liveblog features the following quote (no lie):
Bold, honest, relentless. A shocking insight into the mind of a complete sociopath.
– @displayglancer
—
Example Reference Links
- TV Tropes: White Void Room
- Megan Boyle: entirely free of Pretension and Artifice
- Moviechat: Why is Ann Thinking about Trash?
- Daily Beast: Will White Feminists Finally Dump Lena Dunham?
- Vice: I Went to a Therapist for the Wealthy to Find Out How Rich People Deal
- Brainblogger: The Self-Help Industry Helps Itself to Billions of Dollars
- The Atlantic: The Real Problems With Psychiatry
- Alt-Lit Is for Boring, Infantile Narcissists
// how to play big science