Conceptual Portraits and Profiles Gallery

RND/ To consider imaginary portraits and profiles – a gallery:

20 minute justice system

Virtual Art Experience:

20 Minute Justice System

Example Statement via Freelance Internet Theorist Robert What: In which some robotic voice emanates from a hole in the wall, providing clear instructions for the innocent: “Please check if true: You’re Daddy’s rich – He features pale skin – You’re a member of the sports team at a prestigious university. If so then insert credit card here & relax. Expect freedom in approximately 20 minutes or less while the judge checks your credit. Then make your merry fucking way to the revolving doors at the back of the court house. Thank you for your custom.”

ABC in SF (US)


Precise location unimportant; global travellers, selfie monsters, bridges to nowhere.

America’s Best Looking Couple

Here’s Researcher Robert What with another fast breaking Gonzo hyper-news story space:

America’s Best Looking Couple

In what’s becoming increasingly common – a nonlinear series of public disorder incidents. Private cyborg rentacops were called to yet another violent incident / simulation at Strongarm Burbclave today, to deal with the shooting and injuring of a male portion of Amerika’s Best Looking Couple.

In a statement written & directed by the P.R Manager of one of the victims, and given by the victim themselves in a nicely shot and well rehearsed holovideo paid for by the station – Barry Sexbeef (more well known by his competion handle Captain Handsome) said the shooting was simply a misunderstanding and would not occur again.

The alleged incident took place at Karl’s Steroid N Handgun Emporium within the clave itself.

Another citizen belonging to this closely knit walled community of glossy mutants deep into shopping and self love – private citizen Jason Ripnek stands accused of deliberately provoking Mr. Sexbeef into a fight – upon which Ripnek’s barely concealed sentient pistol – 25lb model .50 cal k2llr_75 “Main Street Annihilator” given to all new Burbclave members by Loftleader Industries for home protection – was quote accidentally fired into the smooth, freshly plucked and laser taut abs of Sexbeef.

Only by good fortune and the clean analytical insight of Captain Handsome did he survive – for he had recently installed a new set of titanium ceramic abdominal implants that very morning (only $920k on special offer from Loftleader – use code #abbb on our station’s website for 20% off!)

Police Droids interviewed two parties over the incident. Turns out that at some point in the argument at Karl’s store, Ripnek took control of the in-store tannoy system using ir 1337 .mill grade haxx0r skillz gained by free online course. The shouted (and paid for) transcript is as follows:

Karl (store owner): I’ve met more intelligent shoelaces than you buncha suntanned freaks. Get the heck outa my store yer dumbells.

Burbclave Citizen Ripnek: Yo, Captain Blandsome – your Hulk Wife-Thing sure must get so sweaty during workouts – that 6 inch flabia must give off a bigger reek than Tsukiji fish market in Summer yet it’s still bigger than yours when you self pump in the morning mirror, amirite?

At this point other portion of the Sexbeef duo – pretty miss Camilla Deadsquat – allegedly threw Ripnek over the counter with one hand into a pile of really cool looking foreign videogame design magazines with those awesome postmodern typefaces. (She’s currently suing them for designer clothing damages, and for mental cruelty experienced through being suddenly forced to try to read.)

Update Patch

All parties involved have since made up, and have amicably agreed to split any subsequent media profits arising from this news story 70/30 – after their cut of course, heh.

After several suicides at Burbclave caused by ‘badroids’, featuring unnotable b-listers – viewers and fellow players no doubt feel clean and refreshed to hear about such exciting new™ developments.

Strange reports of ‘spots of colorless, odorless oil like substance’ occurring on imported white® tiled floors of Strongarm community members are currently being investigated by a crack reporting team of ‘Big Scientists’.

As always, stay tuned to robertwhat dot com for Maximum Fun: everybody’s favourite alternative-to-news station right across your neo psychedelic virtual nation.

Baudrillard Meta-Language Code

Baudrillard Meta-Language Code

Something postmodern academia something.

Be Nicest – Be Hendo

Be Nicest Be Hendo

A reminder to always respect your MMA elders.

Come Fly With Me

To consider Frank Sinatra based conceptual art.

Come Fly With Me

Example Artist Statement via Freelance Internet Theorist Robert What: OI’ blue eyes & company merge softly with falling 50’s aircraft, blissfully unaware tourists and hideous coke clowns in a darkly comical orgy of soft oceanic pastels, cheesy horn stabs and diffuse pinky-orange global summertime travel fantasy Beyond.

Cynthia Duckhart

The trouble with these people is that their cities have never been bombed and their mothers have never been told to shut up
– Charles Bukowski

To consider how Cynthia Duckhart reigned in her formica microverse, 1806-1955: the quintessential 50’s concerned citizen.

Cynthia Duckhart

As featured with her idiot son & future governor Tucker.

Harry Heck And The Copperhead Six (Comic)

To consider open source punisher Spinoff web comic idea: “Harry Heck & The Copperhead Six.”

Harry Heck and the Copperhead Six

Example expanded back story / context:

  • Enigmatic career assassin with style to spare Harry ‘roulette’ Heck is finally returning to El Paso, Texas to lick his psychic wounds – to consider his earthly existence and plan a bitter retirement.
  • Superstitious native of French Louisiana with a dark past – Harry’s tougher than a Texas boot and more wily than the average coyote yet tales of his gun toting escapades have over years become more wild legend than fact – a fact that annoys Harry considerably.
  • After his recent fatal encounter with The Punisher, Harry survived death only to finally realize he’s old, and now secretly yearns to escape his wayward lifestyle of violent crime, hot cars, fast women and alternative country music. He’d like nothing more than to go out in a silent blaze of obsolescence – striding off into the Terminal Western Desert sunset with a cold Mexican beer, strumming his lonesome guitar.
  • Unfortunately however, an elite team of occult hitmen with vile supernatural powers sent forth by deeply cannibalistic religious cult leader Che ‘Leg Drinker’ Ramirez and his hardcore demonic La Chorrera gang have other plans for Harry.
  • While fiercely independent, operator Harry has made few professional acquaintances – among them voodoo priest and fellow criminal Papa Midnite. It will take every ounce of Harry’s skill and experience – and Midnight’s recently confiscated Mischief Bag – to survive Che’s deadly Copperhead Six.
  • Can Harry prevent the return of the Mystic Tablet of La Pacho to The Popular People’s Church Of FRANK from which it was stolen, thus preventing a state wide non-biblical apocalypse? Find out by taking part in the development of open source web comic platform “Harry Heck & The Copperhead Six.”

Project Elements

Some example elements for Harry’s comic:

  • Open source fan project
  • An exploration of the effect of a life of grim violence on a lonely soul
  • How harry survived The Punisher (tied in to ghostly themes of the comic generally.)
  • To strike an odd, oblique & dusty tone – yet somehow quote laser focused.
  • Cinematic; feels like a movie storyboard.
  • Art by someone like Steve Dillon who drew the Preacher comic
  • Like a more Lynchian “No Country For Old Men” with a ghostly Southern Gothic vibe.
  • Harry has something of a ‘force of nature nature’ about him, as seen in Rutger Hauer’s ‘Hitcher’ character.
  • Details: professional code of honour – style especially – seems vitally important for Harry’s character. Not just what but how.
  • Slow Train Coming by Bob Dylan / Red Right Hand by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds as Harry’s psychological theme tunes.
  • Harry derives his nickname from the fact he enjoys playing what he calls his ‘Roulette Blues’ on his old guitar – especially for those he’s got contracts on. Harry says he sings for them as it prepares their soul to cross over to The Other Side.

In A Classy Way: Floyd-McGregor

In A Classy Way: Floyd-McGregor

To consider more violent ironies featuring loud mouthed women beaters spitting that loose jive about other coke fuelled media personalities, re: ‘staying classy’. Amen – preach on, brother!

Joanna’s Sincere Sapokanikan Ideology

Regarding the new sincere Sapokanikan ideology of Joanna Newsom.

Joanna’s Sincere ‘Sapokanian’ Ideology

To consider Joanna Newsom in many ways the new ultimate Walking Vanity Project – perfectly flawlessly sincere – hyper fey™, quaintly unconventional excessively refined & precious. Marked by foreboding of death or calamity – an ideology that might be termed ‘Sapokanikan’. ie. a blisteringly sweet ragtimey encomium to dark forces of false remembrance and deliberate forgetting. A creepy cultural accretion concealment, of language as weapon, of convenient historical amendments and conceited self erasure. Unimaginative distortion as aesthetic canonization of holy infantilization – the violent obsolescence of classy high times. The wide eyed immortality of perfumed designer insanity in the face of everything remotely human that actually fucking matters – All Amerikan maul lift music in a new age hell-lite where everybody blissfully skips along the blind bloody road to another fake apocalypse.

Eample Artist Statement via Freelance Internet Theorist Robert What: While consummate artist and intriguing lyricist, precisely what beguiles and enchants with delight about miss Newsom seems her fan based ideology which emerges and oozes from her words as delicate poison – a gently suffocating dream warm, calm as mothers melted plastic milk.

Note the innate unconscious fear in the insidiously wistful misconceptions re: the untouchable vision of newsom – her pseudo mystical screeching oeuvre somehow that nobody but her has yet to wilfully awaken in a strange, different twee universe where warbling white (as state of mind) privilege is viewed as somehow remotely normal.™

That other people outside such an infinitesimally minute cultural clique do not automatically and unconditionally adore this music of poetic luxury rightly shakes the messianic faith in very notion that such a selfish, meagre and insufferably wholesome reality has any integrity at all.

Note: gravitation beam emitter on short term loan by Killy /霧亥 – thanks dude.

Jouissance/ Fete

Digital conceptual art experience

Jouissance (fete)

Example artistic statement via Robert What: in which G+V clean divide by X+Y.

The chemical superego injunction to enjoy. The paradoxical modern default excess standing in line for watered down tent beer – chance encounters with the symbolic order – abstract dimensions where ambiguity and cheap gold lust freezes out of Saturday night’s anti material phenomenality. Forms of strict (/contested) pose – filmic stances without sexy consequence or probable narrative justification. Furious green ideas sleep.. whatever.

Madonna Media Glamour

Madonna Media-Glamour

Inverted image NSFW – or Play. Shoutout to Virginia Pete.

New MAA Fragrance: Nervous Guilt

Conceptual Holly based fragrance “Nervous Guilt.”

She’s going to try to keep her distance, keep far away from me, keep me frustrated to the point where I will make mistake and she’ll try to kick me in the head
– Ronda ‘reading ahead’ Rousey

Example Artistic Statement via Robert What: a modern fighting fragrance for those whose smell should match their press picture.

New MMA fragrance “Nervous Guilt”

The industrial odour of manufactured champions – all ingredients 100% media natural:

* Indistinct yet perceptible suggestion of nervous guilt
* Several months of unfiltered hype
* Newfound killer instinct; overnight transformations from flat foot to Bruce fucking Lee
* Big slices of the designer humility pie (filtered from the piss of Jon Jones)
* Ronda & Joe reading ahead from a script hidden in plain sight
* More rematch slapcash for that bald fat overfiend
* Btter tears of Leonard ‘The Fix Is In’ Cohen

Ninja Ricard Harrison4

Digital conceptual art experience starring classic ninja Z-Movie actor Richard Harrison:

Ninja Richard Harrison

Example Artist Statement via BSZ Hyper Corporation: “We are pleased to present Ninja Richard Harrison in 256 colours – digital art concept by Freelance Amateur Postmodern Internet Theorist Robert What, employing strategies that dismiss notions of artworks as conceptual totalities instead choosing happy intensely multivitamin narratives crafted from variety of simultaneous approaches – not just single images that expresses ‘big ideas about humanity & its relation to technology’ *rolls eyes*.

Rob’s new conceptual workspace is informed by sophisticated discourse on traditional philosophical concepts – deep understandings of aesthetic / cultural character of the dark Amerikan continent as well as invigorating inclination and facility with it’s various materials modalities and methods.

By inventively handling these materials within an outsider’s postmodern neo-sculptural framework, combined with highly developed experimental approach to helping conceptual digital art emerge from the biomatrix of daily lockdown life, Robert What manifests timeless journeys into the strangeness of the present – both unorthodox yet persistently innovative, ignoring strict boundaries between different cultural hierarchies concerning form and idea.

Consider his figurative photo manipulation of actor Richard Harrison, star of of classic Z-Movie ninja flicks by Godfrey Ho – via original LOLtube screen print. A deliberately obscure satire of / homage to Western modernity functioning as transitional node between so called ‘straight to un-rewound VHS flicks’ of the early 90s. A kitsch re appropriation of on-screen masculinity and power. A safe and loving connection to the screen as cultural interface – all built on a neon drenched foundation of shared values, of talking and touching – trusting informality using bold yet subtle 256 color shading to playful effect, etc.”

Roy Batty, Off World Online

Conceptual Digital Art experience

Roy Batty: Off-World Online

Dear Sir Ridley Scott


Re: Blade Runner 2 – consider Off World Online instead – a digital fan service.

As an admirer of Blade Runner, I find my self writing now to suggest that, instead of making Blade Runner 2 – one big film – consider Valve megacorporation’s notion of entertainment as service. That is, allow Blade Runner’s open universe to grow as a fully interactive digital experience, both funded and constructed by internet crowds – with your help and vision.

This project, “Off World Online” would radically expand already fluid notions of artistic creation in a digital age.

While Blade Runner 2 seems an OK idea on paper, encouraging rapid evolution of Blade Runner into / as new forms of collective play runs closer to now very modern ideas expressed in your original ground breaking film.

For Blade Runner seems as much a dynamic process and free expression of artistic human consciousness as defining cultural object; with this in mind please consider Blade Runner 2.0 – an opportunity for unique realities offered by the Blade Running universe to define itselves in exciting and unexpected ways.

Why the near future of Blade Runner is online

The future of Blade Runner deserves to be a multifaceted, polymorphous online experience – perhaps because it always was – a complex contested digital space of and for imagination, where multiple intellectual and emotional layers and interpretations compete for attention in an ever changing environment, populated by all manner of bizarre mutant creatures – each clamouring for love / life / meaning in dark new world where technology / humanity have grown blurred and strange.

Sincerely, Freelance Internet Theorist Robert What

All these moments can now exist as nodes in a living network
– The Ghost Of Roy

Scary Barry Builder, the postmodern Trumpgeist

Scary Builder Barry: The Postmodern Trumpgeist

To consider what might pass through the wilfully confused and bland psychotic mindspace of scary looking pseudo-everyman Barry Builder – say the populist fart winds of bad change – and how this might relate to the so-called #trumpgeist.

Stallone Cobra Shades: ‘Borlotic’

“Borlotic” – bored lonely and artistic – with that hot Stallone connection.

Stallone Cobra Shades (‘Borlotic’)

There’s nothing more mysterious than a TV set left on in an empty room
It’s even stranger than a man talking to himself, or a woman standing dreaming at a stove
It’s as if another planet is communicating with you
– Fellow Big Scientist Jean Baudrillard, America

Example Artistic Statement via Robert What: consider a new term for fellow Researchers – ‘borlotic’ / ‘borlosis’ – signifying the state of bored lonely & artistic Now forever arbitrarily associated with an enlarged vision of Sylvester Stallone as seen in Cobra – the cheesy 1986 action flick directed by George P Cosmatos.

As captured from unrewound VHS tape in a sleezy highway by-the-week motel somewhere in Maximum Amerika – with cool shades – at precise spectral non time 0:00:00.

In which it’s hoped such terms andor images somehow result in midnight composition of strange long form postmodern essays and artworks which incorporate philosophical discussions based around

  • The everyday mundane
  • Lonesome highway motels in america
  • Deconstructions of on screen hyper masculinity
  • That cool purple-blue shade often seen in 80s video
  • Modern lofi VHS aesthetic experience
  • Unknown long distance artists

The Audience

Beware: audience ahead.

“The Audience”

Oh, the pale dim thrill of it all.

Lord Inquisitor: Uncanny Valley Visitor

File under general subject “When CGI goes bad”:

The Lord Inquisitor: Uncanny Valley Visitor

Question: just what about truly wack CGI feels so uniquely satisfying?

Wahl Burger Face

Digital Franchise Remix: Wahlburgers.

Wahl Burger Face

Example Artist Statement via Robert What: Ideal price for this concept considered as virtual art experience: $1 – to hang outside one of Mark’s houses.

Wrinkled Hollywood Forehead Syndrome

To ask why so many wrinkled foreheads exist in Hollywood:

Wrinkled Hollywood Forehead Syndrome

Once seen, impossible to un-see.

‘Yao Ming Face’, Elvis Edition

Yao Ming Face (Elvis Edition)

To consider a remix of Yao Ming ‘fuck that guy’ face meme with cool retro Elvis hair.

Yolandi Stares

Yolandi Stares

Yolandi Vi$$er from 1000% ‘neuropink’ research crew Die Antwoord.

Zack Brown, Potato Head Salad Kickstarter

On kickstarting white privilege – research notes concerning potato head salad guy Zack Brown.

Under, behind and inside everything this man took for granted, something horrible had been growing
– I am Zack’s complete commitment to ego & spectacle

To consider the mere concept of potato head salad Kickstarter guy, who needs a swift sharp philosophical knee in the vegetable sack.

Zack Brown: Potato Head Salad Kickstarter

In the terminal zeitgeist where any turbid gwat can pop forth another unwanted designer zit on troubled backside of modern media – along pseudo humbly swaggers Zack ‘danger’ brown, minor man of the vanishing moment, all fresh faced and fratboy keen – like he just got through to the next round of a local blandly handsome contest.

Just look at him – look at Zack.

Firstly, his idiot parents labelled him Zack – a crime against reality right there, with potentially disastrous existential consequences for local dimensional spacetime.

Today’s starter for ten points, Zack – what percentage of a dead person’s brain has to be full of dim weasel piss in order to quote invent ‘Potato Salad Kickstarter’?
– Guy Smiley

It’s exact this kind of effortlessly inane, stupefyingly irrelevant Amerikan Videodromic signal – which if it were to suddenly begin to play on screen set in the back of the seat of the person in front, you’d just know the plane was about to crash – as a prime candidate for undeniable proof nothing remotely intelligent lives on this fucking planet.

The Ideology Of ‘Potato Salad Kickstarter’

I hereby pledge allegiance to the flag of Kickstarters of Amerika – to the republic of cash for which it stands, one potato brained nation under salad, infinitely divisible with side order of lite beer for all
– Kickstarter Pledge

But surely it’s all a bit of harmless ultra-capitalist fun in the atomizing media sun right?

Notice how (after an awkward media pause) Zack explains that all money raised from this Kickstarter will all go to good causes.

Suddenly, like a gazelle from a starting block, ex Democrat spin meister George Stephanopoulos replies with ‘I feel so much better about it’.

Consider the ideology of ‘Potato Salad Kickstarter’ right there – of privilege funding privilege.

Where already greasy hands exchange yet more greasiness – the eternal circle jerk complete once more.

For George, something about Zack’s little wizard media wheeze cuts little too close to his unconscious bones – ie. he too suspects his own potatoey greed and cosmic uselessness.

For you too can exist as a rich, famous (shameless) media egotist with bleached teeth – sims with prime PR strategy – as long as you’re seen caring about (vague) things in life which really matter – tiny philanthropic bubbles and imperfections hand made by (somehow equally honest simple hard working peoples of.. wherever.)

It wouldn’t have mattered one iota if ol’ Zack had started out to give any and all money to charity. Charities have to exist precisely because Zack ‘Potato Head Danger’ and other spaced out white pimps that fund their vacant vacations into hyper capitalist netherworld of synthetically innocent viral fun have the whole sick game already stacked in their odds from very beginning – a mile high bowl of dog sick that stinks to plastic heaven.

Simply by funding him, all backers are psychologically poised to defend Danger boy – ie. attack anyone for questioning their own seemingly natural right to indulge in such idiocy, flinging cash around for cheap laughs – Saturday night college asshole drunks at a pole dance club.

In once such startlingly aggressive display, one pathological backer allegedly proclaimed he’s giving a buck simply for the amusement / surrealism factor –

(Paraphase) I want to give big fuck off to the self righteous pissants out there.

Oh passive aggressive backer of allegedly surreal salad – where art all these raving, self righteous pissants of which thou speaketh with such impotent, well practised menace?

If anything, what’s actually surreal about Zack and his tasteless salady conception – is that anyone finds anything remotely surreal or amusing about it at all.

Help Zack live his little dream™

Pleased with yourself little man?
– Roy Batty

Kickstarter salad; it’s like something talented stable genius James Franco might come up while on the media toilet – simply for teh white richboy lulz.

Of course, equally talented Amanda Fucking Palmer agrees with ol’ Potato Head since media stunts like this keep her / her holy reptile lover L Ron Blumquist in the red funding manner to which they’re accustomed.

Of course, the deadpan non irony is that everyone who helps people like Zack ‘live their dream’ already lives in exactly the same simulated universe as them – one of easy pink glow, self satisfied ultra privilege where friends enjoy new houses featuring disproportionately large bathrooms – they all stand around hi-fiving. Yet unlike most everyone else they’re able to imagine whatever they want to fill it with; cocaine and faeces-smeared 100 dollar bills, servant body parts, potato salad – the empty sum total of their vacated existence – anything they want, baby.

This trip all about you / your dreams, your way – your fucking salad.

Hey Internet
– Zack ‘Danger’ Brown

Who or what might Zack refer to here? One wonders if he remotely understands what he’s dealing with – what he’s already fully immersed in.

Careful, Salad Boy – Roman gladiatorial crowds were less fickle than today’s undead social media consumers.

Another thing: this guys name – probably already forgotten – seems now forever linked to ‘potato salad’ and ‘dumbness’.

In fact in a recent search for his name, nothing came up – unless one specifically added potato salad. This seems unfortunate. And entirely necessary.

What Zack’s statement – that he did it for pure enjoyment / silliness of life really means – he’s able to do dumb shit like this, because of his ultra privileged life; because the system of global capital expressed as innate evil idiocy of the internet enables and encourages him to. Such anti-life consists of little but blind pursuit of pure salady enjoyment and savage hipster puerility.

After all, when you already own everything everyone else needs but can’t have – what are little scoops of potato salad between rich smiling friends?

It’s all so very clever, so violently innocent, seemingly without consequence – so viciously harmless in it’s automated assumption that Potato Salad Kicksters seem so harmlessly and enjoyable – which must at all costs and at all times be enjoyed utterly by everyone infected by such crass viral stupidity. Such casual head spinning delusions of salady grandeur arrive from what fellow theorists in Ghost In The Shell term a ‘stand alone complex’ – random, yet given the strict symbolic coordinates of the system and how it naturally dysfunctions – an often inevitable emergent phenomenon.

Perhaps the fact so many fellow players find it so easy to guffaw along at what seems a mere bowl of potato salad, itself seems a violent dull sound of a silent warning being struck.

Zocialist Communizm: Zizek Brand Soviet Era Propaganda Poster

Zocialist-Communizm: Zizek Brand Soviet Era Propaganda Poster

Greetings comrades in theory – with all this recent new Cold War hacker rhetoric, loose talk of reds under voting tables etc. consider your trump card; meta surreal ‘Zocialist Communizt’ realism of a lightly faded Zizek™ brand Soviet era propaganda poster.

// how to play big science